How to be a Gracious Tourist

10 Jul By

I’ve been a tourist for the last few weeks.  I was a tourist in my own home of Raleigh, NC because I was living in a hotel and on a mission to enjoy the city’s quintessential restaurants and then I was a tourist in my new home of Hawaii because I was (and am) living in a hotel and tasting as much of Oahu as possible.  I’m blessed because I’ve been a tourist so many times in my life.  My childhood, schooling and professional lives have all afforded me so many opportunities to travel so I have often been the person who stands out with a grating accent, glaring clothes and awful manners.

 

And while I know that on most of my trips – in spite of my best efforts -  I’ve been the “rude American”, I also feel that I have a carefully honed sense of how to not be THAT annoying tourist.  You know the one.  You might BE the one.

Here’s what THAT annoying tourist looks like:

  • Total inability to say “yes”, “no”, “thank you” and “please” in the native tongue;
  • A tendency to demand assistance from locals who work in the service industry;
  • Utter disregard for the local style of dress including but not limited to ratty sneakers, jorts and/or fanny packs;

    If you’re going to go fanny pack, get one in every color!

    {source}

  • Overuse of photography, particularly at sites of religious or patriotic significance
  • Speaking volume that exceeds that of anyone who actually lives in the locality.
  • Public, verbal claims that the city or country wouldn’t exist without your tourist dollars or your country’s military assistance.

More importantly, here are a few tips for being a truly gracious tourist!

  • Learn at least a few important phrases in the local language.  This employs the concept of “try”:  Most of the time, if you just try, people will appreciate the effort.  Interestingly, there’s subset of the American population that gripes against the Spanish language signage in our cities.  That same subset cannot begin to speak French, Spanish, Japanese or any other language when traveling abroad.  The irony is lost on no one.
  • Observe local fashions and behaviors and adjust yours accordingly. For example, in Paris when you have dinner in a mid-range café you stand out – in a bad way -  if you’re wearing your Teva sandals, a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.  The French are typically less casual than Americans so do your best to fit in and dress it up a little.
  • Practice humility.  When you visit a foreign land you are just that – a visitor.  Your job is to observe, to show respect and to acknowledge that the customs of that land are both appropriate and unknown to you.  If you find yourself thinking “they’d never do that in America”, don’t complain.  Count yourself lucky that you’ve experienced real foreign culture.  And for heaven’s sake don’t insinuate that the people you are visiting couldn’t exist without you!
  • Use your memory-cam.   I will always remember my first visit to Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. I was about 10 years old.  Pearl Harbor is a sacred place to Americans – it is like the site of the World Trade Center – a place where we mark being attacked.  My memories are mostly filled with the images of non-American tourists taking jovial photographs and laughing loudly while walking through a memorial for lost American lives. When in a foreign memorial or sacred place, think of how you’d feel if people took gleeful pictures in Arlington National Cemetery or Pearl Harbor where we honor those who sacrificed their lives.  Your memory-cam is probably better than your actual camera in such settings.

What are some other ways to be a gracious tourist?

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Gift Giving

4 May By

Yesterday, I shared some recent wonderful gifts I’ve received.  The gifts were heart-felt tokens from people I cherish and they were presented not in response to a holiday or occasion, but “just because”.  I love them and they got me thinking again (uh oh) about this whole concept of gift giving.

I wondered… if greeting card companies and popular retailers weren’t allowed to run ad campaigns that focus on our need to have things and the requirement that we give them at various occasions, what kind of amazing gifts we could begin to give one another?

As a general rule, I’m not too big on gifts, and I know that’s usually off-putting to people.  Our culture is full of gift-giving opportunities and the act has become very much part of our vocabulary.  Generosity and sharing should certainly be part of our vocabulary and when gifts flow from true generosity and a sharing nature, I’m all for ‘em.

Unfortunately, though, our gifting vocabulary includes other phrases, like “do we have to do a gift?” and “should I send her something?” and “We gave him a gift and he didn’t give us one” and “I think I need to spend more than $50 since we’re really close” and “For Christmas I NEED a new pair of boots”.

These phrases add unsavory elements to the concept of gift-giving: obligation, habit, consumerism, selfishness, a monetization of relationships.  We find ourselves believing that certain occasions or people require gifts and that those gifts must be of a certain price.  We find ourselves expecting reciprocation from the people we give gifts to.  Gift-giving becomes a chore, a meaningless reflexive action.

Let me be clear:  I think gift-giving is a sublime practice that should continue, but I also think our culture has defiled it to a degree and where I see that happening, I choose not to participate as a gift recipient.

For example, the Gentleman and I didn’t give each other Christmas presents this year because we both have far too many things.  The one thing we truly don’t have enough of is time together, so rather than spend precious time buying useless crap, we didn’t shop…for anyone…and enjoyed a quiet, present-less holiday together. We also chose not to register for wedding gifts because we’ve both lived on our own for so long that we truly didn’t need anything else and we felt like relieving our friends and families from the obligation to shop for us.

I’ve been the recipient of many thoughtful, non-obligatory gifts in my life and I’m profoundly grateful for each of them – gifts like the ones I blogged about yesterday..  And, I hope I’ve given quite a few heart-felt gifts as well and will continue to give them – whether it’s a holiday or not.

 

 

 

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Best Interests

26 Apr By

About a decade ago, I was sharing a tale of someone else’s relationship drama with my mom.  The story was about a girl I knew whose boyfriend was cheating on her.  Naturally everyone knew…everyone, it seems, but the girl in question.  There was much debate among my friends about how to handle this situation and finally one gal looked at us all earnestly and declared that she would be the one take on the great burden of informing the girlfriend, after all it was in her best interests to know. We were all relieved.  Thank goodness someone among us was brave!

My mom listened to my story – and my relief that I wasn’t going to have to break the bad news – and then offered some sage advice:  “Y’all shouldn’t assume that this young woman doesn’t know her boyfriend is a cheat or that she wants you to tell her.”

Huh?

Of course she doesn’t know!  She’d have booted that scum to the proverbial curb by now if she knew. And of course she wants us to tell her.  Who wouldn’t?  I was incredulous, but that small piece of advice wedged its way into my memory anyway.

A few weeks ago that memory came busting out of gray matter and set up shop in forefront of my thoughts.  Turns out I know another woman and this time it’s her husband who’s the cheat.  And once again, a mutual friend took the martyr messenger;s role and traipsed off to break the bad news to this young wife. But when the martyr messenger came back from her sad mission, she reported something more than a heartbreak

The wife in question was in a rage, screaming and ranting and sobbing and name-calling and all of this vitriol was directed at one person:  the martyr messenger

I turns out this wife had known (or at least suspected) that her husband was unfaithful ALL ALONG.  Her heart was broken over it.  She was struggling a great deal with what all of this meant for her marriage and her life.  And then in walks a friend to break the news, but the news she broke wasn’t about infidelity.  The martyr messenger had instead informed this poor young wife that not only was her husband cheating, but that EVERYONE KNEW and that all the dirty laundry was now the fuel for GOSSIP.

And the wife was horrified and angry that her personal anguish had become gossip.  She could not be convinced that the martyr messenger had her best interests at heart.  She felt a great additional burden in her life that now her decisions and reactions would be under the scrutiny of “well-intentioned” peers.

I began to think of what it means to act in the best interests of another.  I know that God wants us to love our neighbors as we do ourselves.  I told myself that I can’t conceal the truth from myself, so telling this wife was treating her – loving her – as I do myself.  But that is a lie.  See?  Right there in trying to justify not lying to someone else because I wouldn’t lie to myself, I’ve lied to myself. It’s like telling myself I eat well most of the time so this 800 calorie margarita paired with a whole basket of tortilla chips won’t derail my diet.  I’m lying to myself in my own best interests, because once in a while that celebratory Mexican meal is OK, even while it’s blowing my diet.

As it turns out, it was OK for friends to let the wife own the strife in her marriage and protect it from the public eye.  It was OK for the martyr messenger to standby and let things progress as they naturally would.  It was not in the wife’s best interest to be confronted by an outsider about her marriage.

So, how do you know when your actions really serve someone’s best interests?  Based on a lot of sage advice from my mom and others, here’s a few ways to start examining your actions:

1.  Whose interests are really served?  Think hard about this.  The friends in the above situations would surely have told you they were helping the girlfriend/wife.  Is it possible, though, that the friends were seeking something else?  Maybe they were driven by lust for more gossip.  I’m guilty of asking people “what’s wrong?” when sometimes all I want is to hear a story -not actually provide comfort.  Maybe the friends crave the attention of being a hero.  If you truly love your neighbor as yourself, you won’t use that neighbor for entertainment or as means to achieving an emotional high.

2.  What information do you really have?  Are you basing your “best interests” actions on gossip?  Notice that in each story, multiple friends discussed the cheating amongst themselves before taking it to the girlfriend/wife.  Why?  If the woman is best served by knowing about the cheating the SHE needs to know…not anyone else.  I’m guilty of using this phrase:  “I needed advice so I asked my friends”, when what I really mean is “I wanted someone else to know along with me.”  If you truly want advice, why not seek out someone trustworthy who is totally disconnected from the situation.  In the second story, the fact that people were gossiping about her marriage compounded the pain of the wife.  Here’s a fact:  In the second story, I am at best an acquaintance of the wife.  How do I even know about this?  Gossip.  Proverbs 11:13 says “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”  The dirt in someone else’s life is not for me to reveal.  If I know about it, it’s for me to be supportive of the person and protect them from gossip.

3.  Consider alternate courses of action.  I know what you’re thinking:  “But the friends had to do something!”  And you know what?  I agree.  I’ve been cheated upon by a significant other.  It is a hurtful, lonely experience and left me feeling great shame.  I was so grateful for friends who showed me support and love as I dealt with my betrayed heart.  In these examples, perhaps the friends could have made an extra effort to spend time with the girlfriend/wife.  It’s even possible that simply saying “you seem stressed, is everything ok” would act as relief.  If it’s worth acting on, it’s worth carefully considering how.

I think it’s useful to share something the wife said to the martyr messenger:

“I feel like you all robbed me of the chance to deal with this and keep my head held high.”*

As I write this I am still torn.  I felt so compelled to inform these women that they were being cheated on and yet it clearly wasn’t in the best interests of the wife.

How would you handle these situations?

 

 

* It feels like gossip to share that quote.  It probably is.  However, I think the sentiment is an important one for everyone to hear.

 

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Five New Social Media No-No’s

8 Feb By

Before we start, let’s acknowledge the great existing lists of social media pet peeves.  No need for me to reinvent the wheel, folks.   Take these, for example:

This one went viral on Facebook (but I doubt it changed much…)

My Listable Life host, Nicole shares hers here.

And here’s a fun list devoted to Twitter.

And now a few additional no-no’s to add to the conversation:

1. Auto-replies.  I know it seems like a nice gesture to thank me for subscribing or following  you with one of the automatic reply features.  However, even this “always say thank you” advocate has to draw the line somewhere and this is it.  Two things wrong with auto replies are:  1) They are impersonal – a jerk spammer gets the same “thank you” that I do; and 2) The notice in my inbox telling me I’ve got a message gets me all excited for an actual interaction with you and then….then I’m just let down.  The best “thank you” you can provide your network of contacts is genuine interaction

2.  Hashtag Bombing.  I think I just made up that term, but allow me to demonstrate what a hashtag bomb looks like:

#Today I went #shopping at #walmart and#bought #three #apples.  They were #delicious.  #ApplesForever   

What are you going for here?  Do you want a highly searchable tweet?  Are you just not clear on how to use hashtags?  Maybe your number sign key is just stuck.  Whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.  Here’s some good guidance for using hashtags.

3. Not Responding.  It’s called SOCIAL media and being social means interacting with people and interacting with people is a two-way street.  Now, I’m guilty of failing to respond to each and every communication I receive, but I make every effort to interact with people when it’s clear they’re seeking interaction.  If you’re pressed for time, a “Thanks everyone” will suffice provided you make an effort to interact more meaningfully at a later time.

4.  Ignoring the direct message option.  Not every communication is appropriate for a public Facebook or Twitter feed.  Make use of direct messages for posts and tweets like:

“I’m sorry your husband was such a jerk to you.  Want to chat?”

“We really need to talk about your drinking problem.”

“Did you tell your boss you’re quitting yet?”

“Let me know if you want a referral for that fungus you’re dealing with.”

“Have you left for your two week vacation while your burglar alarm is on the fritz yet”

5.  Mystery Pinners.   If you’re going to pin something to a Pinterest board, make sure the image links back to some sort of reference.  Sure, I love that gorgeous dress you pinned too, but I’m going to be really annoyed when that image leads back to   your Flickr account or the dreaded “user upload” with no caption or reference.  It’s okay to pin your own photos, but give me a caption, a link, something that identifies the subject of your photo. More importantly, if you’re pinning someone else’s image, you should ALWAYS give credit to the source.  No exceptions.

6.  Okay, I know I said FIVE social media no-no’s but I have to add  number 6 because I know I’m not alone AND this one really grinds my gears. Blogs that auto-play music.  Go ahead and delete that little widget.  When I visit your blog I’m already listening to Pandora and when I hear your John Mayer mix with my Gillian Welch, my ears bleed a little.

What’s missing from the list? 

Join the Listable Life at Moments that Define Life.

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The Week in Classy

7 Feb By

Thanks to news media coverage of celebrity  misbehavior, political scandal and criminal action, we spend a lot of time mired in vulgarity.  This weekly highlight of all things classy is my attempt at a little balance.  Here’s what happened January 29-Feb 4:

  1. The Chester Upland School District in Pennsylvania recently revealed that its finances are in such bad shape they won’t be able to continuing paying teachers past the end of this month.  That district’s teachers voted to continue working without pay as long as they could so the kids who rely on the school system could keep attending school.  Wow!  This story gets even better as JC Penney cut a $100,000 check for one of the affected elementary schools and presented it on Ellen.  Double classy, but I think the teachers take the cake!
  2. Remember when I posted 8 Ways to be Good to Moms?  I mentioned a mom-I-know and how she’d had a recent horrible experience.  Well, she handled the situation with all the class in the world.  Bravo!
  3. While on a business trip to Washington, DC, I had the misfortune of sharing a hotel with a really rowdy corporate convention.  I had a small snack in the restaurant of that hotel and found myself surrounded by very drunk (rude) insurance salespersons.  My waiter noticed that the drunkenness was bothering me and suggested I let him move me to a quieter spot.  He proceeded to move me clear across the hotel lobby to a quiet nook complete with couch AND continued to wait on me at regular intervals even though it was quite a jaunt from his section to where I was sitting.  That, my friends, earns a very happy letter to the boss!
  4. Loretta Smith a 70-year-old Ohio woman tried to call her son when she feared she was having a stroke.  Unfortunately she dialed the wrong number, but fortunately she was connected with Kenny Crater, a Metropolitan State University student in Denver, CO.  When Ms. Smith said she might be having a stroke, Mr. Crater promptly secured her name and address, called 911 and made sure Ms. Smith got the help she needed.  With Mr. Crater’s help, Ms. Smith made it to the hospital where doctors confirmed she was indeed having a stroke.  Glad she picked the right “wrong” number!

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8 Ways to be Good to Moms

3 Feb By

{source}

I am surrounded by moms.  If I look at the people I interact with most in a day, whether it be in person or via the internet, I see mostly moms.  For several years I’ve wanted to write about the way we non-moms interact with moms and after hearing about what happened to a mom-I-know at a Trader Joe’s yesterday, I’m ready to do it.  Now, I know I can’t possible know since I don’t have kids of my own, so I’m open to additions and subtractions to this list from all the moms out there (I just practiced number 5!).

  1. Don’t touch.  Mom or child.  I often see well-meaning people reach out to touch a pregnant belly or hold the hand of a newborn infant.  The mom in that situation does NOT know where your hands have been and I can’t imagine that’s ever a comfortable situation for her.  Remember, puppies and kittens are for petting.  Babies and Moms?  Not so much.
  2. Do help out (but always ask first).  Some of the most overwhelmed moms I’ve seen are on airplanes with young children and without another adult to help.  I always ask if I can help carry the car seat on or off the plane.  See a baby toss her bottle across the room in a restaurant?  It’d be so nice if you would pick it up for her.  Hold doors.  Let mom go ahead in line.  You see how it works.
  3. Extend an invite.  We non-moms often find ourselves thinking: “She’s got a baby now…she doesn’t want to go out with the girls!”  Ah, but there’s a difference between “doesn’t WANT to go out” and “is too tired to go out” or “can’t possibly go out”.  New moms especially may find themselves feeling lonely for friends they don’t see as often, so DO invite them out for gatherings and DO your best to make gatherings baby friendly and DO plan an at-home date on the couch with your mom-friend, a glass of wine and a bad movie.
  4. Stow the judgement, even if you’re doing it in complete silence.  Remember how your own mother always knew what you were up to even when you made every effort to keep it quiet?  Well, that ‘s because mom’s have a gene that allows them to read minds.  I’m convinced that even if you’re just thinking about how you’d discipline that child or how your baby will never cry that loud, moms can hear it.  So, just don’t do it.
  5. Admit that you don’t get it.  I did this one up there in my intro paragraph.  I think this is just a nod of respect. I don’t have kids so I don’t get it.  BUT, I do care and wish I could get it to better commiserate with you, mom-friend.
  6. No salting the wound.   A stranger approached the mom-I-know in a Trader Joe’s yesterday to say that she (the stranger) had to leave because she was “disgusted” by a toddler’s meltdown.  Unfortunately, I see this kind of thing happen all the time.  As though mom-I-know was really enjoying the meltdown and hoped to share the experience with everyone around her.  As though mom-I-know has a magic wand that stops a crying child but was just choosing not to use it.  As though a hateful, ignorant remark did anything but add evil to the situation.  Don’t add stress to an already stressful moment.  If you can help in some way (see #2) do it…but probably the best thing is to just go on about your business!
  7. Don’t glare.  I was once sitting on a plane beside a middle-aged man who kept turning around to GLARE at the mom-and-infant sitting behind us.  The baby was pretty fussy,  especially during take-off and landing.  Finally, as we were about to land ) I said “I don’t giving that baby the evil eye is doing much to quiet him down.”   We can express our displeasure at baby meltdowns, toddler tantrums and a host of other fun munchkin moments all we want, but while we’re hoping the glare will achieve some drastic change in behavior, what we actually do is  leave mom feeling ticked off or miserable and possibly scaring the baby into crying more with our ugly faces.
  8. Celebrate the kid.  Lord knows babies are a handful, but in the process of being more patient and understanding and better acknowledging the struggles of parenthood, I think we as non-moms often forget an important role.  That of cheerleader.  Does it help my mom-friends when I tell them their child is precious or that their clever discipline technique makes me say “boo-yah!”?  Who knows…but I just can’t imagine that throwing in some positive could ever really hurt.

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How to Complain

23 Jan By

Last week I gave you my reason for complaining. .. every tiny detail.  Yes, I’m sorry that post was so long.  No, I will not go back and edit it to make it shorter.  In fact, before we get to the lessons I’ve learned I have a little more drama to share that accompanied my horrific experience with a personal trainer.

First, go back and read that post if you haven’t.  I’ll wait.

Okay, now that you’re balking with me, I’ll tell you why I had to wait TWO WEEKS  to complain.  As I mentioned, I left the gym that night absolutely fuming.  I actually stopped by the office to look for the staff person who manages the personal trainers, but since it was nearly 9:00 p.m., he’d long since left for the day.  Instead, I wrote message and left it on his desk: “Please give me a call as soon as possible.  I need to change trainers.”  I’m confident I was pressing so hard on that paper with that pen, that my anger was obvious to the reader.

This disaster occurred on a Thursday and when I didn’t hear back by Sunday, I assumed the weekend was interfering.  I called on Monday and left a message.  I called on Wednesday and left a message.  I left a written message at the front desk on Thursday.  I called on Monday and left a message.  I called on Tuesday and left a message.  Are you getting frustrated with me?

The funny thing is, the more my messages went ignored, the less angry I became with the trainer in question.  In fact, I went from inventing irrational reasons why she treated me so poorly (it must be because I was wearing a Citadel t-shirt and she was a female cadet there who was mistreated) to embracing rational reasons and finding peace with them (she’s an unhappy person and treating others badly acts like a bandaid for her).  I went from wanting  – no, needing – to see this woman dramatically fired in front of me to feeling a measure of pity for her.  I mean, she gets paid practically nothing to help people work out and it’s JANUARY meaning most of her “clients” hate her and will quit soon.

In short, my goal changed.  I no longer wanted revenge.   I wanted resolution.  And I’m so glad.

On Wednesday, after that last message, I went back to the front desk and stood waiting to be helped.  I was approached by a man who looked more-in-charge than the receptionist and who asked if he could help.

“I hope so,” I told him. ‘ I was hoping to talk with someone about changing trainers.  I’ve left five messages over the past few weeks and no one has contacted me and honestly, I just want to get set up with a new trainer and get this resolved.”

And so things were resolved.  The man apologized to me that no one had returned my calls and briefly discussed with me why I wanted to change trainers.  I simply told him that I had some concerns with how my session with Trainer J had gone and didn’t feel like it was a fit.  No bashing.  No tattling.  And in fifteen minutes, I had a new appointment with a new trainer.  I left the gym with a sense of peace and with the knowledge that the man who’d helped me was actually the gym’s manager who intended to rectify all the things that went wrong with my situation.  I had resolution and some wisdom.

  1. Cool down.  Even if only for a few minutes, resist the urge to lash out in anger.  Your anger sounds irrational or whiny (or both) EVEN IF it’s justified.  Irrational, whiny conversations rarely result in an ideal outcome.  It’s now been several weeks since my bad experience and I would honestly feel bad if I’d yelled at Trainer J or caused her to be fired.  I’m so glad I cooled down.
  2. Offer grace.  Pointing out a wrong is one of the most beautifully teachable moments there is.  You can offer punishment or grace.  I’ve found that people – especially adults – don’t respond well to reprimand, but if you can gently point out an offense and then forgive that offense you’ll right a wrong AND teach compassion.
  3. Pursue resolution and be prepared to ask for specific actions to bring it about.  When you’re treated badly it’s okay to expect the situation to be rectified in some way.  I’ve found it helps to have a realistic resolution in mind.  I told the gym manager that ultimately I wanted to get back into my training routine as quickly as possible and that I hoped messages would be handled better.  He responded by booking a new training appointment for me that same week and asking the reception staff to send messages directly to staff voicemails instead of taking hand-written notes (which presumably get lost).  See?  That feels better.
  4. But, don’t pursue revenge.  What if I had found the trainer’s manager that night at the gym?  I’ll be honest – I’d have tried and condemned that trainer, demanded refunds and public stonings and probably threatened legal action.  I may have given myself a reputation among the trainers (that woman is such a complainer – she will get you in trouble!).  I may have gotten Trainer J fired (in this economy?  Yeah, I’d feel bad.  What if she has kids?).  And if I’d been refunded my money and Trainer J had been publicly fired and the whole gym staff had been forced to serenade me with show tunes, I’d still be out of my training routine and I’d probably feel like a jerk.  And hey, God’s pretty clear no this one:   “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”” (Romans 12:19)
  5. Reward good behavior.   After all, we people are a lot like dogs: throw us a Scooby Snack and we’ll keep doing what you want.  When all was said and done, I wrote a note to the gym manager thanking him for listening to my concerns and helping me resolve the situation.  I was clear that I had been very disappointed, but equally clear that I was now happy and planned to offer the gym a clean slate.

Last week, I met with my new trainer.  He’s a really big scary guy.  He’s also extremely nice and polite, asked me tons of questions and spent a lot of time working to understand my goals.  He led me through a workout that left me sore for three days.  And I loved it.

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The Etiquette of Political Opinion

15 Jun By

We live in an angry country.  We are screamers and boycotters and opposers and fighters.  We have a become a people who complain about a process we don’t engage in, who blame individuals who don’t really hold the power and who voluntarily embrace polarizing beliefs. And, I don’t believe there’s value in addressing these deeper themes without first addressing how we express our political opinions. You see, I believe that much of the anger, the screaming, the opposition, the blame, and the complaint results in part from poor, intentionally provocative and often cleverly misleading opinion-sharing in the media. In short, we quickly syndicate the opinions of “experts” without considering their sources or evaluating their arguments and we propagate their messages not with vigor but with rage.  This type of “information sharing” does nothing but stymie meaningful issue dialog and it can be so easily avoided.  Before you post you next political Facebook status, consider these guidelines:

  • Start from a point where you assume you are wrong.  By assuming our own rightness, we are necessarily assuming wrongness of the opposition.  This black-and-white approach to politics disallows debate and is simply polarizing.  Epictetus said “You cannot teach a man what he thinks he already knows.”  To truly seek enlightenment on policy issues, one must be willing to learn and one cannot learn unless one acknowledges he has things to learn.
  • Acknowledge the humanity of your source.  Even the most professional and respected journalists and analysts will color their commentary with traces of personal experience and leanings.  Because these sources are human like you and I, they are also capable of mistakes, of providing incorrect information.  If your source is consistently one person, one perspective, then you must acknowledge the limitations of that source.
  • Shift your concern from policymakers to policies.  One of the most common political debate tactics I encounter is attacking the policymaker.  Whether the debater calls into question the personal ethics of an individual politician or rails against a political party, these arguments avoid the meat of political debate.  Most of the time, when someone shifts from debating an issue to debating a person it’s a distraction technique intended to halt discussion on the actual issue.  I suspect this often occurs because the debater has exhausted his knowledge of the issue but doesn’t want to lose the argument.  Make an effort to truly understand an issue before angrily debating it.
  • Understand how media works.  Most Americans base their political opinions on information they receive from the media.  Most Americans are also slow to identify news media as a business.  But, the news media is a business and it commonly engages in practices to increase readership such as:
    • Issuing highly controversial opinions which are more likely to incite response from the public (regardless of whether the reporter/pundit/expert actually agrees with said controversial opinion).  Response from the public = readers/viewers/listeners = money.
    • Over-simplifying complex policy issues into headline-appropriate phrasing, knowing that most readers/viewers will only absorb headline or topical information and not read in to actual policy details.
    • Inserting subtle opinion into fact-reporting stories  with the understanding that opinion is nearly always more compelling than simple fact reporting.
  • Understand the process.  Too often I’ve seen angry political debates spur from a lack of understanding about the political process and about how legislation actually works.  For example, an acquaintance once enthusiastically reported that a state passed an ethically complex law and offered significant opinion on the passage of that law sparking an angry debate on Facebook.  What had actually happened was that a single freshman legislator, without co-sponsors had introduced the bill but it hadn’t even been voted on.  She misreported facts and people angrily argued with her over an issue that was a non-issue.  In another recent example, many Americans have interpreted a carefully worded headline to imply a very cut-throat policy change when in fact, the actual bill has little to no effect on the issue because of its wording.  To understand the process better, I recommend logging on to state legislative or Congressional websites and listening to legislative debate and reading actual bill text.
  • Comprehend Compromise.  It’s very rare that one party or another, one perspective or another is able to advance its agenda without engaging in some level of compromise.  While many politicians will take a very firm public stance on certain issues, the reality is that compromises must be made, deals must be cut and concessions must be offered in order for most legislation to pass.  Consider engaging in this same practice with the people around you.
  • Think like a philosopher.  To do this, identify overarching ideas and themes you agree with rather than simply cherry-picking specific issues.  Using these ideas and themes as filters, it’s easier to see the impact of an issue on the economy, the culture, the individual, the society as a whole and the political process rather than looking at how that issue will affect only you and only at this time.  I few questions I always ask myself are:  “Can I apply my position on THIS policy to all or almost all other similar policies?”  “Is the opinion I’m expressing relevant to my audience’s experience or perspective?”
  • Attacks do not educate.  Civil, calm debate might.  In short, angry ranting begets angry ranting and it’s vain to assume the angry ranting yours begets agrees with your stance.  If your hope is to change minds, try calm, informed dialogue.

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I’m well, thank you. I hope you are

17 May By

I’ve decided to make a major change in my life.  I’m making this change after researching what dozens of experts have to say and after thoughtful consideration of the impact the change will have on my day to day life.  I’m certain this change will be difficult but I’m equally sure I’ll be delighted with the result.  I’d love for you to personalize this life change and join me in the process!

Henceforth, when anyone asks me the question “How are you?”, I will answer “I’m well, thank you.  I hope you are.”

My current answer to that question is “I’m good.  I hope you are.”  This has evolved from my two-years-ago response which was “I’m good” and a three-to-five-years-ago response of “Fine” or “Good”.  Before you Google the grammatical correctness of Good vs. Well vs. Fine, please understand that grammar has little to do with this change in my life.  As it turns out, you’ll find so many differing opinions on what is correct (some say both are correct, some come to the defense of oft scowled-upon “good”, some say “good” is grammatical profanity) that one simply must choose what feels correct.

No, I’m not changing my response to be more grammatically correct.  Instead, I’m hoping to further evolve how I interact with people – particularly strangers.  I’d guess that 95% of the time, the “How are you?” question is trite.  It’s asked because it’s supposed to be asked or because saying only “hello” feels awkward.  The asker expects an equally trite answer (“Fine”  “Good”  “I’m Good”).

I’d also guess that even a slightly less trite answer, one with a word used less-frequently may perk an ear or two, may just be a tiny speck of more genuine human interaction.  Try this:  A supermarket checker rings up hundreds of customers in a day.  It sounds like this:

“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”     “I’m well, thank you.  I hope you are.”     “I am, thanks.  Do you have your discount card?”     “Sure do” [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]

I suppose the difference isn’t profound, but in the one slightly longer line, the supermarket checker was engaged as a person, not just a means to an end.  Just for a second.  Would it be better to answer with a truly personalized response?  Absolutely.  Yesterday the checker and I had this conversation:

“Hi.  How are you?” “Phew, I am TIRED, but now that I’ve bought my coffee, things are looking up.”  “I hear that.  I’m going over to Starbucks on my break.”  “I think I would OD on caffeine if I worked so close to a Starbucks!”  [Chuckle]  “I’m pretty sure I do every day.  Oh, do you have your discount card?”  “Sure do.”  [jingle of keys]

Now, that’s an actual conversation.  Sure, it was small talk, but we commiserated.  We thought of coffee together.  We laughed at the feeling of a coffee buzz.  We were people together.  And while I’ll always believe the simple kindness of talking to strangers as people should be as personal as possible, I’m realistic enough to know that sometimes all I’ll manage to spit out is a canned response to “How are you?”.  And so, I’m changing that in my life.  Changing to a response that’s just the tiniest bit more human, the littlest bit more people, a smidge more “you matter”.

Want to change the way you answer this question? I’d love to hear your new and improved canned response. So, How are you?

 

 

 


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Prom for Grown-ups

4 May By

Self-portrait. I'll post our "prom pictures" when I get them!

Several weekends ago, The Miss and her Gentleman attended his Brigade’s Spring Formal.  The Army hosts such formal events throughout the year and each time we attend, friends ask what they’re like.  The simple answer is that they are Prom for Grown-ups:  fine formal wear, dinner, dancing, drinking (let’s all be honest about high school Proms here), and the occasional after-party.  However, an Army formal includes some traditions not common at Prom:  a receiving line with guests and high-ranking officers, the presentation and posting of the colors, formal toasts, a ceremony to honor fallen soldiers, guest speakers and the preparation of grog (yep).  And so, The Miss will walk you through the last Panther Spring Formal at Ft. Bragg, NC.

These formals begin early.  We arrived at the convention center (off base) around 5:00 p.m. for the cocktail hour and receiving line.  This formal was for the 3rd Brigade Combat Team which is part of the 82nd Airborne Division at Ft. Bragg, so the invited audience is about 2800 soldiers and their spouses or dates.  It’s necessary to start these events early simply to get the large number of attendees seated in time for dinner!  The Gentleman and I enjoyed a cocktail and greeted his fellow soldiers for the first hour.  We were then directed to make our way through the receiving line and find our table.

The receiving line is a simple but formalized process.  Ladies precede their gentleman through a line of honorees, speakers, and ranking officers shaking hands and generally greeting one another.  Once through this line, The Gentleman and I made our way to huge list of attendees grouped by unit and rank that tells us where to sit.  Our tablemates will reflect a mix of ranks and Military Occupational Specialty (that means “job description” in Army speak).  The table itself has event programs, a few bottles of wine and the obligatory “souvenir” glasses.  There are always pint, shot, wine or other drinking glasses on the table monogrammed with some sort of military logo and these glasses are to be taken home by attending soldiers.  In fact, if not for his Army service, I don’t know that my Gentleman would have anything to drink out of in his home

Once everyone’s made it through the receiving line and to their table, the run of the evening turned to very formal ceremony.  First the color guard presented and posted the colors .  The only sound during this process is a single snare drum roll and everyone at the formal stands, with all the soldiers standing at attention.  Next, a Chaplain offered a prayer of invocation

Colors placed

Next, a series of soldiers dressed in period uniforms undertook the ceremony of preparing the grog.  Grog is a mixture of all sorts of beers, liquors and wines with each spirit representing a time when the regiment served our country.  For example, Panamanian beer is added to represent Operation Restore Hope, Vietnamese rice wine is added to represent the Tet Counteroffensive and water is added to represent the sweat of soldiers during Operation Desert Shield/Storm.  I’m pretty confident that grog is both poisonous and disgusting, but the ceremony offers a moment to reflect on the role the regiment has played in shaping our world.

After the grog is made, officers of rank offered a series of formal toasts.  Attendees toasted the President of the United States as Commander in Chief, the Army, the 82nd Airborne Division, The 3rd Brigade, fallen soldiers (silence is the response to this toast) and finally the ladies (that’s me!).  Next, the brigade honored fallen soldiers.  This somber moment focuses on an empty table at the front of the ballroom.  A description of the ceremony is in the formal program and I’ve inserted it below.  I’m confident that specific faces and names filled the hearts of the people in the ballroom during this ceremony, and I hope the fallen were able to feel that love and respect.

With the ceremonies complete, dinner was served!  While these functions are very formal in a most ways, the dinner is usually served buffet-style.  I’m really not sure how else you feed several thousand hungry soldiers without the wait staff risking their lives. While we ate the program continued with speeches from the Brigade Commander and a retired four-star general.  The official program wrapped up with a prayer of benediction and the retirement of the colors.

With all the ceremonies complete, it’s time to party.  A deejay turned on the dancing music and since we’d all been through a cocktail hour, several toasts and a good meal folks are ready to boogie.  The gentleman and I spent most of this time saying hello to friends and having our formal photo taken (just like prom!) but we did manage one dance.  When it’s time to leave, a line of taxis waits obediently outside of the venue ready to take a number of folks to after parties.  The Gentleman and I are old so we headed home to rest our weary heads.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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You’re Invited: How to Behave

12 Apr By

The Miss has had more than one invitation to write this post, and I supposed it’s time to finally respond.  <– And right there, I’ve messed up.  I’ve dragged my

Src: S.Fox-Lovell

feet and failed to respond to a kind invitation in a timely manner.  An inevitable result of the warming weather is an increase in engagements, weddings, cookouts, tailgates, cocktail parties and other social events.  Invitations to these events should follow some simple age-old guidelines and so should your response.

 

How to Invite

  • No need to belabor invitation wording and timing.  The Miss recommends Emily Post or Crane and Co. for solid advice on these topics.
  • Formal events demand formal invitations.  This rule is not commentary on the medium you use for invitations – printer paper, linen paper or internet invitations can all work for all events.  This rule is about the wording and appearance of your invitation.  Most wedding invitations should use traditional wording and have a classic, easy-to-read layout.  On the other hand, an invitation to a neighborhood cookout can include a cartoon talking hotdog. Similarly an invitation to a christening should be classy and understated while an invitation to a baby shower can be cute and playful.
  • Invite guests, not lists.  When you invite your entire “friend” list on Facebook© or issue a mass email to everyone in your address book, you risk leaving your potential guests feeling unimportant and leaving them unlikely to attend.  For example: a former classmate of The Miss’s recently issued an invitation to join her birthday celebration.  My first reaction was happiness that this individual remembered our long-ago closeness and wanted the people she’d known well to celebrate with her.  Then I noticed that her list of invitees was over 600 people…it was her whole Facebook© friend list.  This individual had not invited ME.  She had invited a list.  I did not attend.
    • On a similar note, I’ll make a plea to a small subset of brides-to-be.  Your wedding invitation list is NOT your People-Who-Will-Buy-Me-Gifts list.  We potential guests know when we’ve been invited purely to complete your china registry and we’re not going to buy you that salad plate.
  • Provide a clear, simple way for invited guests to respond.
    • ALL invitations should include contact information for an organizer of the event, even internet invitations with built in RSVP capabilities.  This is so invited guests with questions know who to ask.
    • Be clear about whether you expect an RSVP or Regrets Only.  The former tells guests to reply to the invitation regardless of what that reply is and the latter tells guests to inform the organizer they cannot attend

How to Answer an Invitation

  • ANSWER THE INVITATION.  “RSVP” means “Respond, Please”.  “Regrets Only” means the organizer will assume you’re planning to attend unless you tell him otherwise.  Be sure to respond to both requests in a TIMELY MANNER.  The Miss thinks it’s best to respond within 2-3 days of receiving the invitations (earlier if the event is only a week away!).  Realize that when you fail to respond or respond late, event organizers are left with an inaccurate count of attendees and may incur significant cost as a result.
    • If you’re unsure of whether you’ll be able to attend an event, let the organizer know that.  For example, The Miss was invited to an awards luncheon for a colleague that would occur in two months.  I travel a great deal for work and knew that this luncheon was taking place during a very busy time for me.  I responded to the organizer that I was likely able to attend, but would have to give a more certain RSVP closer to the actual date.  This allowed the organizer to save a space for me.  CAVEAT:  It would be unreasonable for me to expect the organizer to save my space until the night before the luncheon.  Instead, I provided a firm RSVP two weeks before the event.
  • Unless you are explicitly encouraged to do so, it is not appropriate for you to extend an invitation to other friends.  It is also not appropriate to assume you can bring a date to an event unless the invitation was made to you “and guest” or clearly indicates that dates are welcome.
  • Be sure to follow instructions for responding to the invitation.  Casually mentioning you plan to attend a wedding when a reply card was included in the actual invitation is not sufficient.  You should also send in the reply card.

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How to Behave on an Airplane: Part II

27 Mar By

We’ve discussed how to behave in an airport and some initial considerations for behaving on an airplane.  Now we wrap up our air travel etiquette series with some final thoughts on behaving in an airplane.  What suggestions do you have?

 

Noise:

  • Do your best to have quiet conversations.  Those around you may be trying to sleep or read or may simply not want to hear your conversation.
  • Never, under any circumstances, should sound come from movies watched on the laptop, musical devices, handheld games or other electronics.  Use headphones or mute buttons.

Communicating with Seat Mates:

  • Some air travelers enjoy the opportunity to get acquainted with a seat mate.  If both seat mates are interested in conversation, by all means quietly chat away.
    • However…

o   A seat mate who is reading likely does not want to be disturbed.  If a reading traveler is interested in conversation, he or she will usually close the book or turn it over when you begin talking.

o   Likewise, a seat mate using a computer, watching a movie or listening to music is usually signaling that he would like to be left alone.

• Be considerate of nearby passengers and avoid inappropriate conversation topics.

Children:

  • When and where possible help parents traveling with small children on and off the plane (and in any other way you can).  A wriggling child is a lot to wrangle!
  • Until an affordable and widely available instant no-crying-baby device is invented, you must assume that babies on planes will cry. Getting angry and glaring at parents will not quiet a crying baby and is simply inappropriate.  I think it’s safe to say that the child’s parents would also very much like for their baby to stop crying.
  • That said, parents should make every effort to entertain young children on flights in an effort to avoid screaming and temper tantrums.

o   For painful popping ears:  a bottle or a binkie during takeoff and landing may provide the suction to keep ears open and for older children, chewing gum or pinch the nose while blowing out will help.

o   Good in-flight entertainers include DVD’s viewed on laptops, puzzles, handheld video games, coloring or sticker books and card games.

o   Plenty of snacks!

  • Your children are precious, but no passenger wants your child staring over the back of the seat at them for any portion of the flight.  Keep your children in your row.

Miscellaneous:

  • Simply do not badger or argue with flight attendants.  No exceptions.  In fact, be gracious to them.
  • It’s best to avoid heavy perfumes, especially aromatic foods and the use of other heavily scented products when flying.
  • If something you’re eating or drinking spills on another passenger, offer to reimburse them for their clothing item (except when the spillage results from turbulence).
  • Avoid inebriation.
  • Avoid joking about or discussion the safety of flying, terrorism or other topics which may agitate fearful flyers.

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How to Behave on an Airplane: Part I

25 Mar By

Photo by yenhoon

Now that we’ve covered more Miss-like behavior in the airport, the natural next step is to address appropriate behavior on airplanes.  Airplanes are giant pressurized tubes of personal space circumvention and as such require special attention to:

1)      The space you’re occupying and how you’re occupying it;

2)      Your aesthetic impact on the airplane environment;

3)      The equal needs of your fellow-passengers.

Embarking the Plane:

  • Let’s start in the aisle.  As a modern air traveler, you’ve likely got two sizeable bags as carry-ons.  Practice good bag awareness and do your best not to swing these bags into the arms, heads and other body parts of already seated passengers as you make your way down the aisle.
  • When you arrive at your chosen overhead bin, be mindful of where you rear end goes when you bend to get your back and then when you lift it into the overhead bin.
  • Speaking of overhead bins, reserve these for bags which don’t fit under the seat in front of you.  When you take up extra bin space with your coat or purse you’re making it difficult or impossible for other passengers to stow their suitcases in an easily accessible place.
  • If you’re sitting in a window or middle seat and someone is already seated in your row, allow that person the opportunity to stand to let you in to your seat.  This goes back to having awareness of the position of your rear end relative to other passengers’ faces.

Being a good plane mate:

  • Be aware that each time you raise or lower the tray table, move items into or out of the seatback pocket or place your feet on the seatback in front of you, the passenger occupying that seat is disturbed.  Keep these behaviors to a minimum.
  • When you stand or sit, try to avoid holding on to the top of the seat in front of you.  Doing so pulls that passengers seat back into a reclining position.
  • It is acceptable to recline your seat when the flight attendants signal it’s safe.  However, it is polite to bring your seat to its upright position during meal service.

Being a good seat mate:

  • Armrests:  Each seat has two armrests, but one at least one of these is shared with another seat.  An easy rule for establishing your armrest territory is for everyone to err towards the armrest on their seat that is nearest the aisle.
  • Respect personal space at all costs.  Most people will feel uncomfortable if a part of your body is touching a part of theirs while sitting, but you should also be mindful of whether things like especially starched sleeves, long hair or large coats are invading a seat mate’s space.
  • If you are sitting in a middle or window seat and need to use the lavatory, the ideal way to exit your seat is to notify those you must pass first.  If this means gently tapping a sleeping passenger, it is acceptable to do so.  Let’s be honest – you will bump and awaken these passengers anyway, so better to do it gently than by accidentally kicking, tripping over or stepping on the unsuspecting seat mate.
  • Resist the urge to read 1)books, 2) magazines, or 3)computer screens over a seat mate’s shoulder.

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How to Behave in the Airport

24 Mar By

As most of you readers know, The Miss has a “day job” and this job requires a significant amount of air travel.  After six years of airport hopping, I have concluded that when normally civil human beings pass through the automatic doors into an airport, their personalities pass through some type of filter which reverts them back to primitive, selfish behaviors.  Indeed, I myself have identified a certain person that I call “Airport Miss” which is a decidedly impatient, selfish, and angry persona that hurtles through airport terminals like a raging bull.

Acknowledging the “Airport Miss” phenomenon, The Miss has made strides towards checking her brutish tendencies during air travel and wanted to pass on some etiquette tips for the airport to you readers.

How to Behave in the Airport

At Ticketing Counters:

  • Pay attention:  Take note of when kiosk positions become open and move to them quickly – there won’t always been a ticketing agent available to yell “next”!
  • Clear things up beforehand:  If you know you’ll have questions about certain types of baggage, check-in policies or other ticketing issues before you go to the airport, call a customer service agent instead of waiting to ask ticketing agents in person.  This will save everyone time!
  • Have compassion:  Not everyone who is running late planned their arrival to the airport irresponsibly.  Trust The Miss (a frequent business traveler) – sometimes running late is truly out of one’s control.  If you have time, let folks who are rushing to the gate go first.

At the Security Checkpoint:

  • Relax.  The Miss believes that the number one source of unnecessary travel stress is freaking out about procedures in the security line.  While there’s no need to take your sweet time, trying to rush through the screening process is usually fruitless and will just raise anxiety levels.  Try to go with the flow.
  • Follow signs and video announcements.

o   This is big:  If you’re a “Casual Traveler” (someone who travels by air occasionally, someone traveling for leisure) DO NOT get into the “Expert Traveler” line.  The Miss is an expert traveler.  I love all you mothers and kids out there, but your security checkpoint progress is SLOW and I need you out of my way.

o   There are signs, videos and staff EVERYWHERE at checkpoints to tell you exactly what you’re expected to do.  Read, listen, and ask if you’re unsure.

  • Stow the attitude.

o   Travelers can review TSA policies at the agency’s website. Realize that no traveler is exempt from these policies.  Additionally, realize that the agents in each airport likely had no say in creating these policies.  When they scan, search, correct, question, and/or detain you, they are simply doing their job and their intent is to keep your air travel safe.

o   Remember that failure to comply with security procedures can lead to your removal from the airport and even your arrest.  Also, remember that undue anger, mocking or harsh words can constitute failure to comply.

o   Simply put:  Smile, follow the prompts from TSA agents, clear security and go on your merry way.

  • Slide the bins down.

o   TSA provides plastic bins for corralling your personal items through the x-ray scanner.  When that scanner spits your bins out, please slide them as far down the table as you can to keep other folks’ belongings from piling up behind yours.  It’s also helpful for you to stack empty bins so you leave space for more luggage.

In the terminal:

  • I realize you may never have been to a specific airport and sometimes it’s hard to find your flight on the arrivals and/or departures signs.  However, if you must stop in a terminal walkway, please move to the side instead of block the flow of foot traffic.
  • Speaking of moving foot traffic, if you’re using moving walkways adhere to the rule about standing right and walking left.  In fact, short of injury, illness or old age, how about we all enjoy the extra few steps of physical activity and just walk along the moving walkways?
  • Some terminals now provide chairs equipped with electrical outlets.  While I realize these chairs are awfully comfortable, please don’t sit in one unless you’re using the electrical outlet.
  • Let’s remember general etiquette:  if an elderly person, mother with a small child, pregnant woman or clearly injured/ill/weak person is standing because there are no seats in a terminal, please offer yours.

When the inevitable occurs:

  • In the event of a delayed or canceled flight please remember that the ground crew, flight attendants, gate agents, ticketing agents, and other airport and airline personnel are usually not to blame.  Yelling at a gate agent when your flight is canceled because of snow will neither melt the snow nor facilitate alternate transportation arrangements.
  • Where possible, be flexible.  Airlines often overbook flights and if you have the ability to give up your seat so someone with inflexible travel plans can get on a flight, have the courtesy to do so.  The Miss will never forget giving her seat to a soldier heading home on leave…and that he left his credit card number with a terminal restaurant to treat her to dinner as appreciation.  Doesn’t doing the right thing feel good?
  • When significant weather systems delay several flights, the number of travelers seeking a good meal will naturally increase.  Try not to monopolize restaurant tables during such times so that other travelers can have a bite to eat.

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Au Revoir, Facebook

23 Mar By

About two weeks ago I temporarily deactivated my Facebook® account and enjoyed the three most carefree days I’ve had in a long time and I’m certain that the correlation between those two things is direct. In fact, I only reactivated my account after three days because the account includes shared pictures my friends would like to have and my core group of friends likes to plan get-togethers using the “Events” function. I’m also aware that as a blogger, Facebook® plays an important role promotion funneling a significant portion of my readers to Miss-ology.

And so, while I will share new blog posts and respond to event requests on Facebook®, moving forward I’ll no longer read or post status updates. I’ll also be moving my pictures to a basic photo-sharing site.

So many of my friends have asked, “Why?”. I have a one-word answer: negativity.

Purely for the purpose of providing statistics on this problem, I spent one afternoon logging how many status updates from my friend list fit the following descriptions: Whining, Complaining, Accusing, Berating, Demeaning, Insulting, Gossiping, Hating and/or Judging and saw that in the span of only four hours 89 out of 114 updates fit at least one of those descriptors.

One may be tempted to think I have especially negative friends, but anecdotal evidence tells me that this problem extends far beyond my own friend list. In fact, I’m guilty of such status updates myself, and those of you who follow my Facebook® page will know I’ve grumbled about the grumbling in the past. However, the straw that broke this camel’s back was an exchange with a friend which was so decidedly mean-spirited that it left The Miss outright depressed for several days.

Let me be clear: I don’t blame a website for anger, meanness, entitlement or hatred – only people can display these characteristics – but I’ve come to believe that negative sentiment is simply too easy for us on Facebook®. Somehow we’re less able to edit our words when we type them than when we speak them. Oddly, my interactions on Twitter® have been almost universally positive, but I’ll write about that another time.

My conclusion is this: a two-sentence comment on my status left me angry, hurt and feeling demeaned. I’d like to think I’m the kind of gal who will take responsibility for her feelings, so I’m saying “au revoir” to Facebook®.

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