8 Ways to be Good to Moms

3 Feb By

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I am surrounded by moms.  If I look at the people I interact with most in a day, whether it be in person or via the internet, I see mostly moms.  For several years I’ve wanted to write about the way we non-moms interact with moms and after hearing about what happened to a mom-I-know at a Trader Joe’s yesterday, I’m ready to do it.  Now, I know I can’t possible know since I don’t have kids of my own, so I’m open to additions and subtractions to this list from all the moms out there (I just practiced number 5!).

  1. Don’t touch.  Mom or child.  I often see well-meaning people reach out to touch a pregnant belly or hold the hand of a newborn infant.  The mom in that situation does NOT know where your hands have been and I can’t imagine that’s ever a comfortable situation for her.  Remember, puppies and kittens are for petting.  Babies and Moms?  Not so much.
  2. Do help out (but always ask first).  Some of the most overwhelmed moms I’ve seen are on airplanes with young children and without another adult to help.  I always ask if I can help carry the car seat on or off the plane.  See a baby toss her bottle across the room in a restaurant?  It’d be so nice if you would pick it up for her.  Hold doors.  Let mom go ahead in line.  You see how it works.
  3. Extend an invite.  We non-moms often find ourselves thinking: “She’s got a baby now…she doesn’t want to go out with the girls!”  Ah, but there’s a difference between “doesn’t WANT to go out” and “is too tired to go out” or “can’t possibly go out”.  New moms especially may find themselves feeling lonely for friends they don’t see as often, so DO invite them out for gatherings and DO your best to make gatherings baby friendly and DO plan an at-home date on the couch with your mom-friend, a glass of wine and a bad movie.
  4. Stow the judgement, even if you’re doing it in complete silence.  Remember how your own mother always knew what you were up to even when you made every effort to keep it quiet?  Well, that ‘s because mom’s have a gene that allows them to read minds.  I’m convinced that even if you’re just thinking about how you’d discipline that child or how your baby will never cry that loud, moms can hear it.  So, just don’t do it.
  5. Admit that you don’t get it.  I did this one up there in my intro paragraph.  I think this is just a nod of respect. I don’t have kids so I don’t get it.  BUT, I do care and wish I could get it to better commiserate with you, mom-friend.
  6. No salting the wound.   A stranger approached the mom-I-know in a Trader Joe’s yesterday to say that she (the stranger) had to leave because she was “disgusted” by a toddler’s meltdown.  Unfortunately, I see this kind of thing happen all the time.  As though mom-I-know was really enjoying the meltdown and hoped to share the experience with everyone around her.  As though mom-I-know has a magic wand that stops a crying child but was just choosing not to use it.  As though a hateful, ignorant remark did anything but add evil to the situation.  Don’t add stress to an already stressful moment.  If you can help in some way (see #2) do it…but probably the best thing is to just go on about your business!
  7. Don’t glare.  I was once sitting on a plane beside a middle-aged man who kept turning around to GLARE at the mom-and-infant sitting behind us.  The baby was pretty fussy,  especially during take-off and landing.  Finally, as we were about to land ) I said “I don’t giving that baby the evil eye is doing much to quiet him down.”   We can express our displeasure at baby meltdowns, toddler tantrums and a host of other fun munchkin moments all we want, but while we’re hoping the glare will achieve some drastic change in behavior, what we actually do is  leave mom feeling ticked off or miserable and possibly scaring the baby into crying more with our ugly faces.
  8. Celebrate the kid.  Lord knows babies are a handful, but in the process of being more patient and understanding and better acknowledging the struggles of parenthood, I think we as non-moms often forget an important role.  That of cheerleader.  Does it help my mom-friends when I tell them their child is precious or that their clever discipline technique makes me say “boo-yah!”?  Who knows…but I just can’t imagine that throwing in some positive could ever really hurt.

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The Etiquette of Political Opinion

15 Jun By

We live in an angry country.  We are screamers and boycotters and opposers and fighters.  We have a become a people who complain about a process we don’t engage in, who blame individuals who don’t really hold the power and who voluntarily embrace polarizing beliefs. And, I don’t believe there’s value in addressing these deeper themes without first addressing how we express our political opinions. You see, I believe that much of the anger, the screaming, the opposition, the blame, and the complaint results in part from poor, intentionally provocative and often cleverly misleading opinion-sharing in the media. In short, we quickly syndicate the opinions of “experts” without considering their sources or evaluating their arguments and we propagate their messages not with vigor but with rage.  This type of “information sharing” does nothing but stymie meaningful issue dialog and it can be so easily avoided.  Before you post you next political Facebook status, consider these guidelines:

  • Start from a point where you assume you are wrong.  By assuming our own rightness, we are necessarily assuming wrongness of the opposition.  This black-and-white approach to politics disallows debate and is simply polarizing.  Epictetus said “You cannot teach a man what he thinks he already knows.”  To truly seek enlightenment on policy issues, one must be willing to learn and one cannot learn unless one acknowledges he has things to learn.
  • Acknowledge the humanity of your source.  Even the most professional and respected journalists and analysts will color their commentary with traces of personal experience and leanings.  Because these sources are human like you and I, they are also capable of mistakes, of providing incorrect information.  If your source is consistently one person, one perspective, then you must acknowledge the limitations of that source.
  • Shift your concern from policymakers to policies.  One of the most common political debate tactics I encounter is attacking the policymaker.  Whether the debater calls into question the personal ethics of an individual politician or rails against a political party, these arguments avoid the meat of political debate.  Most of the time, when someone shifts from debating an issue to debating a person it’s a distraction technique intended to halt discussion on the actual issue.  I suspect this often occurs because the debater has exhausted his knowledge of the issue but doesn’t want to lose the argument.  Make an effort to truly understand an issue before angrily debating it.
  • Understand how media works.  Most Americans base their political opinions on information they receive from the media.  Most Americans are also slow to identify news media as a business.  But, the news media is a business and it commonly engages in practices to increase readership such as:
    • Issuing highly controversial opinions which are more likely to incite response from the public (regardless of whether the reporter/pundit/expert actually agrees with said controversial opinion).  Response from the public = readers/viewers/listeners = money.
    • Over-simplifying complex policy issues into headline-appropriate phrasing, knowing that most readers/viewers will only absorb headline or topical information and not read in to actual policy details.
    • Inserting subtle opinion into fact-reporting stories  with the understanding that opinion is nearly always more compelling than simple fact reporting.
  • Understand the process.  Too often I’ve seen angry political debates spur from a lack of understanding about the political process and about how legislation actually works.  For example, an acquaintance once enthusiastically reported that a state passed an ethically complex law and offered significant opinion on the passage of that law sparking an angry debate on Facebook.  What had actually happened was that a single freshman legislator, without co-sponsors had introduced the bill but it hadn’t even been voted on.  She misreported facts and people angrily argued with her over an issue that was a non-issue.  In another recent example, many Americans have interpreted a carefully worded headline to imply a very cut-throat policy change when in fact, the actual bill has little to no effect on the issue because of its wording.  To understand the process better, I recommend logging on to state legislative or Congressional websites and listening to legislative debate and reading actual bill text.
  • Comprehend Compromise.  It’s very rare that one party or another, one perspective or another is able to advance its agenda without engaging in some level of compromise.  While many politicians will take a very firm public stance on certain issues, the reality is that compromises must be made, deals must be cut and concessions must be offered in order for most legislation to pass.  Consider engaging in this same practice with the people around you.
  • Think like a philosopher.  To do this, identify overarching ideas and themes you agree with rather than simply cherry-picking specific issues.  Using these ideas and themes as filters, it’s easier to see the impact of an issue on the economy, the culture, the individual, the society as a whole and the political process rather than looking at how that issue will affect only you and only at this time.  I few questions I always ask myself are:  “Can I apply my position on THIS policy to all or almost all other similar policies?”  “Is the opinion I’m expressing relevant to my audience’s experience or perspective?”
  • Attacks do not educate.  Civil, calm debate might.  In short, angry ranting begets angry ranting and it’s vain to assume the angry ranting yours begets agrees with your stance.  If your hope is to change minds, try calm, informed dialogue.

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I’m well, thank you. I hope you are

17 May By

I’ve decided to make a major change in my life.  I’m making this change after researching what dozens of experts have to say and after thoughtful consideration of the impact the change will have on my day to day life.  I’m certain this change will be difficult but I’m equally sure I’ll be delighted with the result.  I’d love for you to personalize this life change and join me in the process!

Henceforth, when anyone asks me the question “How are you?”, I will answer “I’m well, thank you.  I hope you are.”

My current answer to that question is “I’m good.  I hope you are.”  This has evolved from my two-years-ago response which was “I’m good” and a three-to-five-years-ago response of “Fine” or “Good”.  Before you Google the grammatical correctness of Good vs. Well vs. Fine, please understand that grammar has little to do with this change in my life.  As it turns out, you’ll find so many differing opinions on what is correct (some say both are correct, some come to the defense of oft scowled-upon “good”, some say “good” is grammatical profanity) that one simply must choose what feels correct.

No, I’m not changing my response to be more grammatically correct.  Instead, I’m hoping to further evolve how I interact with people – particularly strangers.  I’d guess that 95% of the time, the “How are you?” question is trite.  It’s asked because it’s supposed to be asked or because saying only “hello” feels awkward.  The asker expects an equally trite answer (“Fine”  “Good”  “I’m Good”).

I’d also guess that even a slightly less trite answer, one with a word used less-frequently may perk an ear or two, may just be a tiny speck of more genuine human interaction.  Try this:  A supermarket checker rings up hundreds of customers in a day.  It sounds like this:

“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”     “I’m well, thank you.  I hope you are.”     “I am, thanks.  Do you have your discount card?”     “Sure do” [jingle of keys]
“Hi.  How are you?”      “Fine.”     “Do you  have your discount card today?”     [jingle of keys]

I suppose the difference isn’t profound, but in the one slightly longer line, the supermarket checker was engaged as a person, not just a means to an end.  Just for a second.  Would it be better to answer with a truly personalized response?  Absolutely.  Yesterday the checker and I had this conversation:

“Hi.  How are you?” “Phew, I am TIRED, but now that I’ve bought my coffee, things are looking up.”  “I hear that.  I’m going over to Starbucks on my break.”  “I think I would OD on caffeine if I worked so close to a Starbucks!”  [Chuckle]  “I’m pretty sure I do every day.  Oh, do you have your discount card?”  “Sure do.”  [jingle of keys]

Now, that’s an actual conversation.  Sure, it was small talk, but we commiserated.  We thought of coffee together.  We laughed at the feeling of a coffee buzz.  We were people together.  And while I’ll always believe the simple kindness of talking to strangers as people should be as personal as possible, I’m realistic enough to know that sometimes all I’ll manage to spit out is a canned response to “How are you?”.  And so, I’m changing that in my life.  Changing to a response that’s just the tiniest bit more human, the littlest bit more people, a smidge more “you matter”.

Want to change the way you answer this question? I’d love to hear your new and improved canned response. So, How are you?

 

 

 


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You’re Invited: How to Behave

12 Apr By

The Miss has had more than one invitation to write this post, and I supposed it’s time to finally respond.  <– And right there, I’ve messed up.  I’ve dragged my

Src: S.Fox-Lovell

feet and failed to respond to a kind invitation in a timely manner.  An inevitable result of the warming weather is an increase in engagements, weddings, cookouts, tailgates, cocktail parties and other social events.  Invitations to these events should follow some simple age-old guidelines and so should your response.

 

How to Invite

  • No need to belabor invitation wording and timing.  The Miss recommends Emily Post or Crane and Co. for solid advice on these topics.
  • Formal events demand formal invitations.  This rule is not commentary on the medium you use for invitations – printer paper, linen paper or internet invitations can all work for all events.  This rule is about the wording and appearance of your invitation.  Most wedding invitations should use traditional wording and have a classic, easy-to-read layout.  On the other hand, an invitation to a neighborhood cookout can include a cartoon talking hotdog. Similarly an invitation to a christening should be classy and understated while an invitation to a baby shower can be cute and playful.
  • Invite guests, not lists.  When you invite your entire “friend” list on Facebook© or issue a mass email to everyone in your address book, you risk leaving your potential guests feeling unimportant and leaving them unlikely to attend.  For example: a former classmate of The Miss’s recently issued an invitation to join her birthday celebration.  My first reaction was happiness that this individual remembered our long-ago closeness and wanted the people she’d known well to celebrate with her.  Then I noticed that her list of invitees was over 600 people…it was her whole Facebook© friend list.  This individual had not invited ME.  She had invited a list.  I did not attend.
    • On a similar note, I’ll make a plea to a small subset of brides-to-be.  Your wedding invitation list is NOT your People-Who-Will-Buy-Me-Gifts list.  We potential guests know when we’ve been invited purely to complete your china registry and we’re not going to buy you that salad plate.
  • Provide a clear, simple way for invited guests to respond.
    • ALL invitations should include contact information for an organizer of the event, even internet invitations with built in RSVP capabilities.  This is so invited guests with questions know who to ask.
    • Be clear about whether you expect an RSVP or Regrets Only.  The former tells guests to reply to the invitation regardless of what that reply is and the latter tells guests to inform the organizer they cannot attend

How to Answer an Invitation

  • ANSWER THE INVITATION.  “RSVP” means “Respond, Please”.  “Regrets Only” means the organizer will assume you’re planning to attend unless you tell him otherwise.  Be sure to respond to both requests in a TIMELY MANNER.  The Miss thinks it’s best to respond within 2-3 days of receiving the invitations (earlier if the event is only a week away!).  Realize that when you fail to respond or respond late, event organizers are left with an inaccurate count of attendees and may incur significant cost as a result.
    • If you’re unsure of whether you’ll be able to attend an event, let the organizer know that.  For example, The Miss was invited to an awards luncheon for a colleague that would occur in two months.  I travel a great deal for work and knew that this luncheon was taking place during a very busy time for me.  I responded to the organizer that I was likely able to attend, but would have to give a more certain RSVP closer to the actual date.  This allowed the organizer to save a space for me.  CAVEAT:  It would be unreasonable for me to expect the organizer to save my space until the night before the luncheon.  Instead, I provided a firm RSVP two weeks before the event.
  • Unless you are explicitly encouraged to do so, it is not appropriate for you to extend an invitation to other friends.  It is also not appropriate to assume you can bring a date to an event unless the invitation was made to you “and guest” or clearly indicates that dates are welcome.
  • Be sure to follow instructions for responding to the invitation.  Casually mentioning you plan to attend a wedding when a reply card was included in the actual invitation is not sufficient.  You should also send in the reply card.

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How to Behave on an Airplane: Part II

27 Mar By

We’ve discussed how to behave in an airport and some initial considerations for behaving on an airplane.  Now we wrap up our air travel etiquette series with some final thoughts on behaving in an airplane.  What suggestions do you have?

 

Noise:

  • Do your best to have quiet conversations.  Those around you may be trying to sleep or read or may simply not want to hear your conversation.
  • Never, under any circumstances, should sound come from movies watched on the laptop, musical devices, handheld games or other electronics.  Use headphones or mute buttons.

Communicating with Seat Mates:

  • Some air travelers enjoy the opportunity to get acquainted with a seat mate.  If both seat mates are interested in conversation, by all means quietly chat away.
    • However…

o   A seat mate who is reading likely does not want to be disturbed.  If a reading traveler is interested in conversation, he or she will usually close the book or turn it over when you begin talking.

o   Likewise, a seat mate using a computer, watching a movie or listening to music is usually signaling that he would like to be left alone.

• Be considerate of nearby passengers and avoid inappropriate conversation topics.

Children:

  • When and where possible help parents traveling with small children on and off the plane (and in any other way you can).  A wriggling child is a lot to wrangle!
  • Until an affordable and widely available instant no-crying-baby device is invented, you must assume that babies on planes will cry. Getting angry and glaring at parents will not quiet a crying baby and is simply inappropriate.  I think it’s safe to say that the child’s parents would also very much like for their baby to stop crying.
  • That said, parents should make every effort to entertain young children on flights in an effort to avoid screaming and temper tantrums.

o   For painful popping ears:  a bottle or a binkie during takeoff and landing may provide the suction to keep ears open and for older children, chewing gum or pinch the nose while blowing out will help.

o   Good in-flight entertainers include DVD’s viewed on laptops, puzzles, handheld video games, coloring or sticker books and card games.

o   Plenty of snacks!

  • Your children are precious, but no passenger wants your child staring over the back of the seat at them for any portion of the flight.  Keep your children in your row.

Miscellaneous:

  • Simply do not badger or argue with flight attendants.  No exceptions.  In fact, be gracious to them.
  • It’s best to avoid heavy perfumes, especially aromatic foods and the use of other heavily scented products when flying.
  • If something you’re eating or drinking spills on another passenger, offer to reimburse them for their clothing item (except when the spillage results from turbulence).
  • Avoid inebriation.
  • Avoid joking about or discussion the safety of flying, terrorism or other topics which may agitate fearful flyers.

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How to Behave on an Airplane: Part I

25 Mar By

Photo by yenhoon

Now that we’ve covered more Miss-like behavior in the airport, the natural next step is to address appropriate behavior on airplanes.  Airplanes are giant pressurized tubes of personal space circumvention and as such require special attention to:

1)      The space you’re occupying and how you’re occupying it;

2)      Your aesthetic impact on the airplane environment;

3)      The equal needs of your fellow-passengers.

Embarking the Plane:

  • Let’s start in the aisle.  As a modern air traveler, you’ve likely got two sizeable bags as carry-ons.  Practice good bag awareness and do your best not to swing these bags into the arms, heads and other body parts of already seated passengers as you make your way down the aisle.
  • When you arrive at your chosen overhead bin, be mindful of where you rear end goes when you bend to get your back and then when you lift it into the overhead bin.
  • Speaking of overhead bins, reserve these for bags which don’t fit under the seat in front of you.  When you take up extra bin space with your coat or purse you’re making it difficult or impossible for other passengers to stow their suitcases in an easily accessible place.
  • If you’re sitting in a window or middle seat and someone is already seated in your row, allow that person the opportunity to stand to let you in to your seat.  This goes back to having awareness of the position of your rear end relative to other passengers’ faces.

Being a good plane mate:

  • Be aware that each time you raise or lower the tray table, move items into or out of the seatback pocket or place your feet on the seatback in front of you, the passenger occupying that seat is disturbed.  Keep these behaviors to a minimum.
  • When you stand or sit, try to avoid holding on to the top of the seat in front of you.  Doing so pulls that passengers seat back into a reclining position.
  • It is acceptable to recline your seat when the flight attendants signal it’s safe.  However, it is polite to bring your seat to its upright position during meal service.

Being a good seat mate:

  • Armrests:  Each seat has two armrests, but one at least one of these is shared with another seat.  An easy rule for establishing your armrest territory is for everyone to err towards the armrest on their seat that is nearest the aisle.
  • Respect personal space at all costs.  Most people will feel uncomfortable if a part of your body is touching a part of theirs while sitting, but you should also be mindful of whether things like especially starched sleeves, long hair or large coats are invading a seat mate’s space.
  • If you are sitting in a middle or window seat and need to use the lavatory, the ideal way to exit your seat is to notify those you must pass first.  If this means gently tapping a sleeping passenger, it is acceptable to do so.  Let’s be honest – you will bump and awaken these passengers anyway, so better to do it gently than by accidentally kicking, tripping over or stepping on the unsuspecting seat mate.
  • Resist the urge to read 1)books, 2) magazines, or 3)computer screens over a seat mate’s shoulder.

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